A CLASH OF SWORD FEASTS
by PRINCESS-JOFFREY
Summary: just read it. you owe it to yourself. my writing skills are just like joffrey's leadership skills (that means they're good.) plz
1. JOFFREY

DUNNNN DAAAAA DANANAAAA DAAAAAA dadaDUNDUN dadaDUNDUN dadaDUNDUN dadaDUNDUN

DAAAAAAA DUHHHHH DADADAAAAA DUHHHHH DADADA dadadundun dadadundun dadadun dun.

[authors note: the action takes place somewhere in book 2 or 3 or something. it continues from there becuz i am writing it my way. **just read it ok, you owe it to yourself**. #thuglife)

JOFFREY

MY NAME IS JOFFREY BRATHEON. I am the king of the seven kingdoms and all of the realm and i have a crown to prove it, but you knew that already. this is just a chronological of a day in the life of best most fantastic king ever. some people say things like 'omg who let him be president of the world' and 'wow what a faggot' and 'he's so beautiful and talented its not even human', but now those people don't have mouths anymore. except for the last one tho. that's ok.

Let's get to the point. i live in a big castle at king's landing and i have my own bedchambers where i totally have lots of female sexual action taking place. with me. #yolo. anyway i also have a pet dog called the hound but his real name is SANDOR CLEGANE. if you haven't heard of him you might have been killed by him. that's how he rolls. and so do heads. you know because he chopped them off. sometimes i like to brush his fur and talk in a baby voice because it makes him happy. the maids give him fancy feast twice a day. if they don't, i push them off of high places. only the best for my widdle babyyyyyy awwww who's a good boyyyyyyyy. you didn't hear that. scribe, don't write that down. did you erase it? good.

now you're reading this because you want to be as close to me as humanly possible without me having to touch you or see you or smell you (because you're probably yucky). well my loyal royal subject - wait no. well my loyal subject! read on because hAVE I GOT A SHOW FOR YOU. every morning i wake up at 12 pm. i know clocks have probably not even been invented yet, but im a really progressive guy so listen. are you listening? LISTEN TO ME. so in the afternoon - sometimes later because some intercourse with female specimens probably happened at night - i get out of my bed which is super comfortable you could die in it. not that i'm dying any time soon haha i'm still young right? wow i'm really thirsty brb.

before i get dressed the maids come in and wash my body. i don't like to do baths because that means i actually have to get up. fuck that noise. i am bathed in 80% pure vodka instead of water. laugh with me at how rich i am. did you know my grandpapa shits gold? that's why he's never around, he's really committed to enriching our lives so he's in the bathroom like 24/7. tywin lannister is a real g, and a total provider for our whole fam-damily. but this is about me and not that old sack of bones.

after my vodka bath, i like to go to the window and look at all the people eating their own children to survive. it pleases my loins. hold on that's weird shit right there. scribe, delete that. did you delete it? Good. after a good ten minutes of staring i go to the dining hall and intermingle with the people that take up space in my castle. most of them are really annoying like guy with no balls. or no dick. or both, doN'T ASK ME IT'S NOT LIKE I'M GOING TO CHECK. I never even think about stuff like that so let's just move along friendo. then there's my bride princess cutie pie, Sansa Stark. i'm thinking of writing her a poem because i don't think she's feelin the joff, am i right? it's almost valentines day so i will most definitely give her something special like flowers, chocolates, or a roundhouse kick to the face. i can't decide but i know she's going to be head over heels over head over heels over head over heels in love with me. see that? that's like 3 cartwheels of pure joy.

so usually if she's at the table i flash her the old smile. a pinch of brooding, a dash of playfulness, and two cups of pure sex. add in those 'i'm going to kill you' eyes and you've got the joffrey smile down pat. pat? is it pat? just write in the right thing i don't have time for this. so after i leave her in my smouldering wake i climb the steps. you know to the iron throne because i AM KING. one thing you might not know is how i like my breakfast. every morning i like to eat on my throne but who needs plates? the throne's blades are skewered with breakfast sausage.

my mother usually comes up to me then and bla bla blA bla bLA. she tries to go over kingly duties or whatever but i'm like, listen, i'm like. mom. MOM. shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. one time i even threw a buttered crumpet at her. that was a good day. sometimes I get to see my uncle too. he's almost as good looking as me and mAYbe even as good at fighting. i don't get to see him much now because he's out being held captive or planting corn or something wow you can't expect me to remember eveRY LITTLE DETAIL. i heard he won a bunch of tournaments but that was B.J - _Before Joff. _so who really cares?

i could talk about my OTHER uncle, Tyron or something, but he's fugly so lets not.

now that you know my family its time to get to know me a little. you heard my morning routine - this morning goes exactly like that. there's the dickless wonder eating five eclairs at once, and to his right my sweet lady love, the apple of my pie, and all that other stuff. i love pie. i don't like dry pie tho, so don't even think about it young man. so sans looks at me and then looks away probably because she can't handle my radiant visage but that's ok. Sansa will come around. and so will I. ba dum chhh. don't write that in.

"enjoying the pease pudding?" i say, flashing her the old joff smile.

"this isn't pease pudding." says sansan. there is a chicken wing on her plate. i was mistaken.

"hwhAT did you just say to me? are you saying i'm wrong?"

all the breakfast sounds go away. everyone is staring at me now as per usual. sansa is awe-strucken by my dominant swagitude.

"I only meant that …."

"yes?" i step closer to her so she can feel my breath on her face. chicks dig it.

"i only meant … that …. it's not pease pudding _yet_."

i stare at her. what the fuck.

"she's right you're grace," says a voice. the voice of one peter baylisp. they call him littlefinger, and that's not the only thing that's little. OHHHHHHHHHHHH.

"what" i said.

"you see the chicken wing has not begun its full transformation yet. much like it was once an egg, it will soon be pudding, the final stage of digivolution."

"oh ok."

i go to the courtyard. my sword needs polishing. i really do mean my sword tho. its name is heart eater. i made that up myself - don't ask lancel about it. i'm the one that made it up ok. there are some guys out there practicing, soldiers and knights and whatever, but none of them is gone as yours truly.

"i am HERE" i announce. of course they freeze and fall at my feet. yum yum yum. okay what.

"at ease," i say to them. they go back to fighting with their swords and i watch them … the rippling bodies …. the fierce, manly- omg no, u don't get it, i'm not- it ISN'T LIKE THAT OKAY CAN'T A MAN APPRECIATE THE ART OF FIGHTING?/? HEY. _HEY_. CLOSE YOUR MOUTH. CLOSE IT RIGHT NOW. GOOD.

"Your GrAce" says a voice behind me. it is my mother. "i must speak with you. come to my chambers."

"you dare order a king?" i say. mommy is a dumb ho sometimes.

"if it plz you" she adds. then she walks away. ok then mom no need to get so huffy.

i consider my options. well, i've done enough training for today. i decide to go see her. when i get there i open the doors. there she is standing in the room … her long elegant gown, the sunlight in her hair. don't be alarmed guys, i'm just being more poetic cuz this IS a novel. she is looking out a window. i guess she didn't expect me to make time 4 her so quickly. in the background i see lancel in a loincloth. don't rlly kno why but he runs away when he sees me. i decide to clear my throat because this is just #AWKZ.

"ahEM!"

"Oh Joffrey, I didn't hear the door."

"your GRACE" I correct her. women. will they ever learn?

"i have just come from a council meeting. its the starks …"

"i told you not to bother me with some eskimo shit. why do we care what they do?"

"son, we're … losing."

"what?/ what's the score?!"

"joffrey, listen. many of our men were wounded in the last battle. your uncle jaime … we have not heard a word of his condition."

"i thought he was on vacation"

"joffrey, we need more men."

"men like me?" i puff up my chest like a penguin, the most regal bird.

"no. not you. i will not have my son injured. i know it will be hard to convince you-"

"wELL OKAY I'll stay here. you've made your case."

"… ok. joffrey, my sweet, you must attend the council meetings. you must lend ur command … and on your orders, more men will march."

"yes." i say as a dramatic shadow lights my face. "i will not let the canadians win."


	2. TYRION

TYRION

_A mathmetitian is a device for turning coffee into therums. _ah, the ancient proverb. it drifts through my head like the scent of shae's hair as black as a cat against the backdrop of a night sky with the ebony wings of a crow blocking the moon and a fresh coat of black paint on all of the streets.

okay you get the point, i'm a smart little bastard (not legit though i'm a lannister). but that's not the point. the point is i'm unconscious and i need to not be unconscious. in the game of thrones, you win or you don't win, and i need to win. i can't do that while i'm asleep tho. just what happened in the infamous battle of BLACKwater bay? ah that reminds me of shae's flowing locks. god damn i love a good ho.

"lord trion … lord hand tyrion …"

a voice is in the room. it's …

"tyion… tyrion"

it's a guy. i've lost my boner.

"tyrion, please! wake up!"

"mhmmhmhm?" i open my eyes. it is the spider. all eight legs are spread and poised to land on my thigh as it drops down from a string thinner than joffrey's %^&. oh and behind it is lord varys.

"tyrion, i have some grave news."

" hideey ho good chum. ah, we have art to save ourselves from the truth. human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe. quoth my great great grandfather abraham…"

"ok listen tyrion, i tried to be nice. ain't nobody got time for your proverbs and shit, we have a game to play."

"scrabble? i love scrabble."

*laugh track*

"tyron plz. i have only come to inform you that-"

"wait! where is that boy pod!"

"pod?"

"yes my squire where is he bring him to be now or so help me"

at that moment i felt something land in my lap. it is my nose.

"oh … oh god. tyrion-"

"its fine its fine i got this. oooooh hoooooooooo okay, ok i can deal with this. what's another deformity u kno?"

"i … i'll go get podrick."

varys swooped over to the door to fetch my squire. i remember now … he almost killed me! if it weren't for gogblogladarb, i would have died! don't look at me like that, i forgot his name so i made one up.

"lord tyrion …" i hear his voice shaking as he enters the room and comes to my bedside. ah, youth. what days lie yonder east from the planes of our soul, reduced to ash and the faintness of our days in the setting sun …. ahhhhh.

"tyrion are you hurt?"

"no thanks to you, poddy pod. i almost died because YOU KILLED ME."

podrick gasps and looks around. "milord …" he whispers. "i _saved _you. _I SAVED YOU, don't you remember?" _

"actually my memory is foggy. foggy like the times ahead, a signal of our lost smile to education we must bestow upon thee, our generation of apostles. - thomas jefferson."

"okay tyrion i'd better go. your papa wants to see you upstairs."

"yes yes quite. indubitably."

i get up. oh god my kidney. there are too many stairs but i don't have bronn to carry me. :( i try not to cry as i enter my lord father's chambers. he is organizing toilet paper when he finally notices me.

"tyrion … i'm glad you came. oh oh oh whoaaaa oh oh oh whoaaaaa"

"dad please don't sing. what do you need."

"it's about the battle strategy. i am here to … congratulate …"

"yes…?"

"…your sister. hot damn what a daughter i have. such a military mind."

"…..dad no."

"yes. i have already promoted her to super queen regent. it's like queen regent only betterer."

"pop," i take a stern tone, "you are mistaken, alas. i was the one who compiled the tedious task of yore."

"tyrion can you not. let's talk like normal people. see, watch: _what up g_."

"father, i cannot. and anyway, _I AM THE ONE-" _i swing my little arm and knock over the pots and pans on his dresser. "_I AM THE ONE WHO OVERSEED THE WILDFIRE AND THE CHAINS. I _actually led peeps into battle when your own grandson curled into a ball and made mealworm noises. people had to carry him out on a hammock. I am the one who charged on horseback while the hound was all FUCK THE KING and i was like hahahh like you haven't done that already-"

"tyrion, you are making me sick. no wonder your mother died. is lying all your good for, my sonnnn?"

"dad … i think we need time apart. you're just not on my level."

"indeed. i am now hand of the king, a level far above you. haha. _above _you. in future i hope you won't stoop so _low _with your tactics. i hope you can be the _bigger man _and admit when you're wrong. we are at the _height _of our war with the starks and worst of all, imported goods are at an all time _shortage_. we don't have lobsters, swans, _shrimp_, anything"

"daaaaaaaaaad!" i stomp my boot and tiny little pebbles from the crack in the floor almost move.

"there is nothing you can do son. you may continue living here but i make the rules now."

"dad ….." my voice grumbled. i locked eyes. "u are such a piece of shit."

"thank you son. you are dismissed."

i left the room. my cape swished behind me because theres so much extra fabric. on my way out i came across one bronn …. bronnnn …. shit what is his last name.

"bronnnn" i said.

"tyrionnnnnn" he said.

then, silence.

…

i outstretched my arms. a look of understanding was in his eyes - it didn't need to be said. it didn't need saying, and yet i said it anyway.

"uppy."

with a proud smile he scooped me up and swept down the castle halls with me peeking over his shoulder. i am truly the best fashion accessory.


	3. CATELYN

**CATELYN**

It is I, lady Kit Kat. Today I will be meeting with my son, Robbbb Stark, becuz he is coming back from another fine battle. I do not like battle. I like family. honour. duty. cash. ain't no other tully can rap like dat. got a ho to my left and-

"exCUSE ME?"

"…My apologies Brienne. I … did you hear all of that?"

"Yes. yes I did."

"…I apologize."

oOPS. i'll have to throw down a sick beat some other time. she's still looking at me like i'm mentally handicapped. better find a way out of this one.

"oh ned," i sobb. "ned … i have lost my mind to grief! aaAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

"lady catelyn please!"

"-aaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

"LADY KIT KAT CONTROL YOURSELF."

"aaa. a. okay. you are right. i must pull myself together. for Robbbb."

we meet him on the grim battlefields of westeros. i could stand to be more specific but i forget where we are. probably somewhere near the frey house. do you know them? they're dear friends of ours. i should bring a strudel over to them or something. so here we are, awaiting the return of the warriors (except 4 the dead ones). i just hope that robbbb is alright. the other men, eh.

"here they are!" calls edmure, my bro bro. he didn't go to this battle because he was too sick to go. he seems to be doing much better now.

robbb appears on the horizon, looking mighty fine … for a son, u kno, platonically speaking. theon is to his left of course, saying "^_^". i don't know what robbbb sees in that boy. i never liked him, but it looks like i'll never get to say i told u so. :( a mother's worst nightmare.

the other soldiers are bloody and yucky, but their eyes are sharp like … ummmm … a fork. they have won the battle, but at what cost? we prepare our hearts to steel themselves against the hardships and tragedies of w-

"WHO WANTS TO COME TO MY BACHELOR PARTY?!" Robbb screams. he is holding a kazoo. its mighty sounds ring out into the forest. his men cheer and hold up their arms, even the men that don't have arms anymore.

"THAT'S RIGHT MEN, YOU KNOW WHAT MY MOTTO IS. WORK HARD PLAY HARD." suddenly he is wearing a party hat. just who is this boy that i once raised.

"Robbb stop this foolishness immememediately!" I march up to him.

"mom I … I am getting married."

"eventually son. eventually. i know the frey girl is very excited to gaze upon your earlobe."

"no mom no. i am getting married today. i'm KING IN THA NORTH and i already decided!"

"madness … madness robbbb, madness!" I look like a ghost im sure, staring horrifically at the girl behind him. i do not know this girl .. he must have brought her back from the war!

"i will not have you marrying this … this war whore that i have never met! never, robbbb!"

"actually i was talking about marrying theon. but thats a great idea!"

"NOOOOOOO"

and then i was in a maid of honours dress. i could't resist. honour is my fav word. as i am ironing my wrinkles i see a bird in the window.

"we just got a letter we just got a letter we just got a letter, wonder who its from!" i open the envelope. it says, _dear friends. we just got news of the momentous occasion robbb has bestowed upon himself without us. there are no hard feelings. just soft feelings. soft, fluffy feelings like cotton candy in a cotton field. and also a rainbow. that said, plz come to our house. we are HONOURED to host the wedding._

they're honoured. i am convinced.

"robbb, we must go at once"

"but what do i wear, what will i say, what if i try to do a cartwheel when im drunk and i can't"

"robbb, don't lose your head over this."

"what? what does that mean?"

"i don't know i just felt like saying it for some reason, come, we must not be late. family. duty. honour. cash."

"ok then mom"

dun ddduhhh dananaaaaaa - beautiful instrumental orchestra to transition us to the frey towers.

"well, it's finally the day," says robb, standing alone at the alter. "and there is only one person i want to share it with. beautiful … funny … someone i discovered far too late in life."

"awww that's so swee-"

"theon greyjoy. where is he anyway?"

"ummmmm aaagggh son … aaaaagh." this is just auks now. i don't know what to say. truth is i sent him away before we left. i didn't think robbb would notice. how do i get out of this one.

"oh ned … nedddd! aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH the grief, the anguish! oh, my aching heart is too much!" i collapse on the floor. a stretcher takes me away.

"poor mother …" robbb looks sorrowful. fear not, i make it back in time for the ceremony. old mister frey is playing the organ. his fugly daughters are throwing petals. they look like a human bred with a pug and they were the result. wow i'm glad my son dodged that bullet. walking down the aisle is his wife to be. i still don't know her name but she's hot and has dem hips. hips are very important you know. gotta be curvaceous as hell to keep a man. that's what i always say. need room for all his fetuses and whatnot. im getting ahead of myself, this is robb's moment.

"my lady … i have long awaited this day." robbb says. there is charisma in his eyes but it will come out when rinsed with warm water.

"and i too, robbb my king of the north pole."

"yes … so do you, lady …. ladyyyy …."

"… yes?"

"do you take me as your lawfully wedded husband?"

"i do."

"and do you, robbb stark, take-"

"are you supposed to say this part?"

"don't make things weird. just roll with it. do you, robbb stark, take this fine woman as your wife? I do. yes, thank you."

"ummm ok."

"you may now …" he leans in, "kiss …. " he leans in closer, closing his eyes. "… the bri-AAAAUGH!"

a sword pierces his chest. old man walder has now switched to playing that one phantom of the opera song. it is aptly placed, i must say, and such talent on the organ. he should take that up professionally.

"GHH … HHHURK-!" Robbb is coughing blood. the light in his eyes is dying. tears of shock are dripping down your face onto the page. behind Robbbbb, a man reclaims his spear. he unfolds a piece of paper, looks it over proudly and smirks as he says, "_The Lannisters send their retards_."

the room goes silent. some people look offended for some reason.

"sir," another man says, "that's a g."

"_regards_." he says. nice recovery. then he runs offstage crying. "i messed up, i messed up bad. i had one job! that was my moment. MY. MOMENT." we can hear him talking in the next room. but forget about that. i'm dead.

"AAAAAAGH!" 80 spears attack me. i didn't count but it must be 80 or 90 or a thousand or something dramatic. come on im dying just give me that.

around me, all my men are on the floor. i don't know if they're lying in blood or their own wine vomit. they were really drunk. i'm almost dead.

"mother …. before i ascend to valhalla … tell me … just one … thing …."

"yes … son …" i reach for him across the ocean of blood. " … anything …."

"why …. why ….. "

"yes … my son …. ?"

"why …. did you put all those extra b's in my name ….."

"… i ….. i ….. i didn't want you to just be ….. Rob S. … in school …. I wanted you to …. be different …. but still ….. socially … acceptable ….. so ….. robbbbb …. was a fine ….. choice."

"urrrgh … uuuughhh …"

"uuuuuuuugh"

"aaaaaaaaugh .. gh … rk ….."

"rrrruuuuuuuuu"

"OMG DIE ALREADY." Tywin swoops in and kicks Robbbb in the face before growing large bat wings and soaring off into the night shrieking like a wildebeest.

"uurrr…" Robbbbb goes limp. then they begin to chop off his head.

"NOOOOOOOOO! NOT AGAIN! NEDDDDDDDDDD!"

"catelyn omg you can stop faking. we're tired of this."

"AAAAAAAAA NED! MY GRIEF-STRICKEN HEART!"

"again with the theatrics" says some guy

"ya she tends to turn on the water works whenever she needs to" says some other guy

"haha. women." says some guy

"ya, women and their dumb emotions. all they do is cry and spend time reading gay stories on fan fiction dot com."

they both turn to look at you.


	4. THEON

**THEON**

hush. you don't have to say it. you've been waiting for my chapter. you've drawn hearts on your wall with my name in them and cut pictures of my face out of magazines. it's okay. i don't think any less of you. but i don't have time to talk, becuz finally, it is my time to shine. #GREYJOY

i am about to board the ship home. home, yes i said it. all those years of being IMPRISONED at winterfell, heaping piles of expensive food utterly forced upon me, and the hugs, don't get me started on the hugs. it was a life of hardships. or softships. or no ships at all, because my greyjoy family loves ships and i was not there to love ships with them. no, i was shivering in the cold of antarctica. shivering in my wolfskin blankets by the fire, cuddling with my loving brothers. oh, what a sorrowful way to live. what will my father say when he hears of this abuse?

my footie pajama foot takes its last step on winterfell land. as i leave the ground behind me and step onto the dock something comes over me. i remove the hawaiian lei from my neck. yeah i had to look up what they were called don't judge me. i pluck the party hat off my scalp and toss it carelessly to the side as i sweep the docks. i remove my shutter shade glasses on which there is an engraved message reading to theon, from ur boi robbbb, and i toss them into the sea with a little bloop. i rip off the polly pocket bracelet and its beads roll on the wood floor. i remove my tie-dye belt. i remove my teddybear backpack. i take out a cigar and smoke it.

i call this the rebirth of theon greyjoy. if you could imagine a cool r&b soundtrack here it'd be sweet. ur the best.

so i'm getting it on with some sea cow - sorry, it's a female on the ship. i went too far. anyway, afterwards she's all clingy and shit, and i'm like "don't be trippin'."

"but theon," she sez, "i could be your one and only. i could make u laugh and make u smile and stand there and look good 4 u."

"nah," i say. "i already have someone like that. and besides, you look like a manatee." i pull on my robe and boots and leave the room before she has a chance to say a word. the smoke of my cigar fills tha ship.

then i see it. the rocks, the houses, the grass, the dirt, the dancing flamingos. just making sure you're paying attention.

"its … home." i say as i put out my cigar and pull out another one. thats right guys. this is my shining moment. im here at the iron islands. my iron islands that i will one day rule. yup, the heir is back bitches! i get off the dock and …. and …. *crickets*

where is the fanfare? where are the people falling to their knees? where are the celebratory hot pockets?

"AHEM." I clear my throat. ppl walk right past me with their goats and cabbages and whatever stupid thing. there are a couple guys sleeping on an ironing board. like, all stacked up. this is a sacred tradition of the iron islands but still i forgot how weird it looked. so everyone is ignoring me and if you see a tear its just raining. shut up. but then … then there was someone who noticed me. yes, someone in the crowd eyeing me with dem eyes and dem … pupils. mmm mmm. my eyes trace the sensual curves of her chin. curvy chins are hot. i don't even need to walk up to her because she walks up 2 me.

"why hello … hot, handsome studmuffin chilli pepper." she says hotly.

"hello yourself" I say suavely … putting my elbow on a convenient wooden pillar and tucking a foot behind my other foot. yeaaaah. B-)

"i have never seen a man so … so … smexy."

"did you just say smexy"

"no. anyway i just couldn't help but notice u." she puts a hand on my cheek …. down my neck … down the collar of my leopard print shirt that i put on earlier.

"well well well … isn't that a coincidence. i'd notice me too." i give her a dangerous smile. it's got nothing on the old joffrey smile but i'm working my way up.

"well then … shall we go somewhere more … commmmmfortttabllllllelelelelee."

i can feel something in my pants. it's … it's … oh, nope, it's a dollar. i wonder when i put it there. anyway id better stop fishing around i n my pockets. *laff trak*

"yes … iw old like that verrrry mucccchhhhhh." i draw my words out just like her. everythings sexier when you say it slower. try it with me. hellllloooooo theeeeerrrre. i lllloooove robbbbbbbbb sttttaaaaa-ah that was just an example. you know for u and stuff. haha. ha. keep practicing you scamp.

"where are the hot places in town" she says "whats new and current and in and hip and _with it_."

"ummmm well …" sweat falls off my face like stuff that falls off of faces. you see its been ten years since i was kidnapped by the good guys. but this is my home. i remember it like always.

"well you see … us _greyjoys_," i puff up my chest like a regal penguin, "like to find old fish markets …. those back rooms are full of … crabs and fish." the words roll sexily off my tongue. i can tell she's into it.

"oh i see. well what r u waiting for, my super handsome super hot delicious delectable yum yum." she runs her hands down my chest. all the way there she can't stop grabbing my butt, fondling under my shirt and even grabbing my … you know … _little cracken_. but i'll spare u the details. they're too hot 4 u anyway. but in the back room we find she totally jumps me. she's super hot and she's all over me, playa. we frickity frack in the back of the shack. ;) so here are some symbols to let u know its a smooth sensual scene change

"that was amazing…."

"yup. id have to say im pretty talented. all that pent up rage and homicidal thoughts rlly helps with the performance. did i tell u? i'm … prince. theon. thats right. im prince theon yes im the real theon all the other prince theons are … not me." i stand up. "what do you say to that…."

"i say …" she stands slowly … "PSYCHE!"

"wait what"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA WHAT A LOSER OMG."

"um i'm not following"

"you don't recognize me Theon? you totally fell for it. wowwwww #humiliated #pranksterz #ashawins"

"wait, what was that last hashtag?"

"thats right theon … its me. your sister. YOU TOTALLY HUMILIATED YOURSELF BRO."

"but … you slept with me."

"that's the JOKE. you were totally PRANKED." she is pointing and laughing. slapping her naked thigh as tears of joy roll down her face.

"how is it a prank if you hit on m-"

"OH WOW I GOT YOU GOOD!" she starts doing a victory dance. i am feeling ill.

"but you grabbed my junk and you-"

"wow you must feel so embarrassed right now. i'm so telling everyone about thissss" she says in singsong.

"yeah but you-"

"see you family dinner tonite. be there…." a smoke bomb goes off. asha is gone.

what the fuck.

minor setback. i do my princely walk up the stairs, boombox on my shoulder. the cigar is in my mouth, and the shutter shades are on. i fished them out of the water earlier becuz i couldn't part with them and you know, they still work. with my image and stuff. i'm so hard. not like that. in the thug way. yeah. #greyjoy

my dad comes down the stairs. he doesn't smile but hey that's cool. neither did mona lisa and she was pretty hot. wait.

"theon greyjoy … or should i say … then greyly?"

"what?"

"thats what autocorrect keeps thinking your name is."

"oh ok."

"nevermind. i was going to say … theon _stark_."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOooooOoooooooOOOOOO!"

"are you drunk"

"no"

"are u sure"

"yea"

"alright son. i will not have any fluffy weak wolf babies in my castle."

"you know a wolf could eat a cracken. it could kill it in one bite. you … do realize that right?"

"what was that, son?"

"nothing. what's dead may never die."

"…what kind of fuckery is that anyway. 'whats dead may never die'. who came up with that. anyway i'm glad u remember our words. but do you remember the alternative words?"

i gulp. slowly, i say the words. "people die when they are killed."

"good. now, whats the news. scratch that, heres a feast."

he pulls a curtain. there are a lot of people! chairs! walls! candles! WOMEN! what is this.

"everyone i want u to meet theon. you may not know him … he's just …. someoNE WHOSE BALLS WERE TOUCHED BY HIS SISTER!"

"Haaaaaahaaaaaaaa!" every1 jeers at me. pointing at me. ash is there too, laughing. his pikachu is laughing too. oh and asha is here as well.

"well well theon, u think ur a prince? PRINCE THIS!" my dad starts vomiting. the greyjoys are doing the worm on their tables and the food is flying everywhere. one guy in the back is like "caw! cawwww!" and skewers himself with a decorative toothpick. i remember how fucked up my family is … but it does not stop me. people die when they are killed. i am one of them. rising again harder … and stronger … ;)

"people people plz!" i say. "is this any way to treat the homecoming queen? i mean … you know what i mean. i'm back! i'm here! i've arrived! look how big i've grown!"

"fatass" they say. "caw caw" says that one guy in the back. im going to have to ask him to leave.

"ok you know what … if this is how im treated i should just resign right now."

"you don't have to. asha is my air now."

"heir."

"what?"

"its spelled air jackass."

"DON'T U TALK TO ME THAT WAAYAAYYAYAYYYYYY!" he inflates randomly. o.o ok then. i escape to my chambers. they didn't say one word about my new threads or my glasses or anYTHING. i am DONE. i'm so angry i could … i could … nah, i'd never do an awful thing like that.

: ) never

: ) … ever ….

:)))))))))))))))) ever.


	5. JON

**JON**

dAMN it's cold.


End file.
